Attacked at Work? Fight Back with Curiosity

Being verbally attacked, especially in a professional setting, can create intense personal feelings that cloud judgment and damage relationships. Knowing how to respond is critical for mental health and can be a key to turning intense moments into opportunities to strengthen relationships and your reputation as a leader. 

Being Triggered

We all have moments when someone's communication sends us into an emotional tailspin. This phenomenon is often referred to as being "triggered." 

Intense emotional responses are heavily shaped by our past. When we feel "triggered", our brain taps into often implicit, memories of painful experiences, like a parent yelling at us. This affects our hippocampus and our amygdala, the parts of our brain that deal with emotion regulation and fear response. 

When this happens, our goal is to separate the feeling from the reality. It is our moment to realize that the intense behavior is a signal that our counterpart has lost control of their emotions. This becomes an opportunity to become curious about what is behind their behavior. 

Name It to Tame It

Clinical Psychiatry Professor Dan Seigel shares that a powerful way to combat intense feelings is to label them. Seigel uses the tactic, "name it to tame it," to calm the brain and help it feel more balanced. When emotions arise, try to describe the internal state without having to explain or rationalize the feeling. "This strengthens our brain’s language capabilities and connects them to the spontaneous and raw emotions in other parts of the brain."

Like with an upset toddler, responding with a curious tone and labeling the feeling or dynamic observed will help you shift the focus of the attack back to the feelings of your counterpart. For example, when verbally attacked, a strong response could be, "It sounds like I've upset you."

The Power of an "I" Message

For those times when a person continues to behave counterproductively, using a strong "I" message is a powerful way to get them to realize the impact of their behavior. It also helps to address the behavior without being combative. 

There are three parts to an "I" message: The behavior, the impact, and the loss. It is important to include all three because it makes clear what the counterproductive behavior costs your counterpart. 

Imagine someone is yelling at you that a project has suffered a setback. Your "I" message can look like this: 

Behavior: "When you raise your voice at me"

Impact: "I feel like we aren't on the same team ..."

Loss: "Because you are limiting our ability to collaborate and find solutions."

Helping diffuse the intense feelings of your counterpart shifts the focus back to them and their feelings and negates the need for a defensive response. It helps frame you as a seasoned professional focused on solutions and helps to identify the emotional roadblocks affecting your counterpart's focus. 

Meeting moments of counterproductive intensity with a curiosity instead of defense, helps you to lower the temperature on strong feelings, and build a stronger presence as a leader. Applying these tactics will help you to turn counterproductive dynamics into opportunities for constructive dialogue and problem-solving.